Episode 45 - Why Lasting Change is Hard - and How to Achieve it Anyway

This week, join me for a game of Snakes and Ladders on the board that is Lasting Change. 

You'll learn about all the obstacles to lasting change (and how to circumvent them), like:

• internal change-resistance
• pushback from peers, friends, family
• self-sabotage
• negative bias
• running out of willpower 

And you'll also learn about lots of ladders that will make achieving lasting change a lot easier, like:

• focusing on your growth
• practising your new identity
• organising support
• loving where you're at

Lasting change is possible - if you come prepared with knowledge of all the above, and the willingness to accept the inevitable setbacks.

Resources mentioned in this Episode:

The Gap and The Gain by Dan Sullivan and Dr. Benjamin Hardy

Episode 27 - How to get Started and How to Keep Going

Episode 12 - Black and White Thinking Part 1
Episode 13 - Black and White Thinking Part 2

Episode 29 - Negative self-talk

Episode 17 - How to set goals in a way that actually works
Episode 18 - Three secrets of successful goal setting

Ready to learn how to Manage your Smart Mind? Then download my free 'Mapping Your Unique Brain' Workbook. Go to:
https://www.coachkramer.org/brainmap to get access.

Are you interested in working with me? Click here.

Come say hi on LinkedIn |Insta | Twitter | FB

Transcript

Episode 45 Why Lasting Change is Hard - and How to Achieve it Anyway

Welcome to the managing the smart mind podcast with your host Coach Kramer. 

Today we’re going to talk about the road to achieving lasting change, which is a lot like the board game Snakes and Ladders. And if you don’t know that you might want to google it, but it’s very simple. Basically, throw the dice, land on a field and if there’s a snake you go down for the length of the snake and for the ladder you go up. 

And I think one of the biggest reasons people want to, but don’t sign up for something that can help them transform their lives is that they’ve tried lots of things before and have come to the conclusion that change is impossible for them. 

And let’s be honest, they’re not wrong in the sense that true transformation IS hard. 

You’ve probably heard the stories about lottery winners who default back to their habitual level of wealth within a year. 

And you may also know people who, after an initial period of abstention, keep falling back into old habits whether it’s w.r.t. relationships, money, shopping, food, alcohol, etc. etc.

So yes playing the game of lasting change is like Snakes and Ladders or Game of the Goose if you grew up in Europe like me. 

It’s very hard to make it to the end in a decent amount of time and it can be incredibly frustrating, right. It’s one step forward two steps back.

So today we’re diving into why it is so hard - and what you can do to achieve it anyway. 

So what you’ll learn:

• What the ‘snakes’ are that make change hard and send you back on the board;
• What ‘ladders’ you can use to counteract those and move up faster and get to your new identity.

Why change is hard

So if you’ve listened to this podcast before you’ve probably heard me talk about change being hard full stop. 

First of all, there’s starting friction (if you want to overcome that, check out podcast Episode 27: how to get started and how to keep going). 

Then, there’s your brain’s massive dislike for change - because it just makes things unpredictable and that makes it harder when it comes to properly distributing resources like glucose, etc. You’re just not in favour of change.

So when you make changes your brain and body will literally fight you. 

They will do anything they can to keep you in stasis, to keep you the same way. 

Which is good to know

This also means that it will take a lot of attention and energy to create lasting change. So it’s smart to allow for that in your plans for world domination or whatever you’re plotting. 

Now let’s say you’ve managed to get started on your change plan - whether it’s for a new habit, a new project, new location, new goal for your business, etc. etc. doesn’t matter.

You’ve even cleared your schedule a bit to allow for the extra effort, energy and emotional work involved. 

Is that it? 

Nope. 

That isn’t even half of it. 

The next block you encounter, the next snake, is usually your underlying beliefs. And they may not even be conscious.

If you believe, somehow, somewhere deep down inside that this change is impossible for you, that this new thing you want is impossible - whether it’s making much more in your business or your job than you’re already making whether it’s living in a different country, changing the way your body looks - whatever it is.

if you believe it’s impossible for you, you will end up in self-sabotage. 

So let’s say you’ve decided to learn to surf but you don’t really think that’s even a possibility for you, with your body, with your history, etc. etc. And then you may want to work on your beliefs before you get into the sea (although, granted, you want to work on both simultaneously - build a little belief, then get into the sea and take small steps every single day, but you have to be aware of do you even believe in yourself. Do you even believe that it’s possible?

Ok. 

So - you have to overcome massive internal resistance, starting friction, you have to overcome your brain’s objections to change. You have to build your belief that it’s even possible to change. So your disbelief is another snake.

What’s next? 

Ok, here’s another snake for you.

Negative bias.

Your brain wants to convince you that it isn’t working, you’re not getting anywhere, and it’s never going to work. That’s just how it rolls right. It looks for the bad things.

This especially happens during plateaus.

When you’re no longer losing weight.

When your business seems stuck at the same level. 

When you can stay up on a surfboard, congratulations - but never for more than 10 seconds. 

When that happens, you’ll probably experience some uncomfortable emotions. Like frustration mainly, and maybe also disappointment. And when that happens your brain will try to stop those emotions and it will do that by telling you to stop doing the thing that is causing them.

And when that happens your brain will try to stop those emotions and it will do that by telling you to stop doing the thing that is causing them.

It will use the plateau and the frustration and disappointment that come with it as a reason to give up.

Another thing that tends to rear its very ugly head after the honeymoon phase of your change trajectory: negative bias.

Instead of the progress you’ve made, your brain will start finding evidence of how LITTLE has changed. How tiny the steps are that you have taken - Have you even made any progress at all? No, you’re almost right at square one.

It will just lie to you and it will hide from you all the things you have achieved and all the ways you have changed. It will just not show them. And you will kid yourself into believing that it’s all been a waste of time. That’s another snake.

Now let’s say you’ve started to change, and you’ve even overcome the first plateau. 

You’ve changed a fair bit. Hurray! Confetti!

It’s fun! 

Until…the pushback starts. 

Because you’re part of a system, part of many systems and whilst YOU have changed, the world around you probably hasn’t. 

You still live in the same house, with the same fridge, with the same pets, with maybe the same partner and even the same foods your family prefers to eat.

You still walk the same streets, with the same memories that project you into being your same past self. 

And you’re probably mostly still surrounded by the same people. 

People who may not be so happy about this whole change thing. 

Your drinking buddies may not particularly like the new you who has gone zero alcohol.

Your partner may feel intimidated by the fact that you are now making 300K a year. 

Your family may be mortified that, overnight, you gained 100K followers on TikTok.

You have forced a change upon THEM, and, knowing everything you know about change, it makes perfect sense that they don’t like it. 

Some of them will be consciously or unconsciously freaking out and try to make you change back.

‘Come on, don’t be so boring.’

‘We don’t really need that much money, do we?’

‘Don’t you feel unsafe putting so much of yourself out there?’

And I remember when I stopped eating sugar, around ten or twenty years ago now,

‘How can you live like that?’

‘Birthday parties must be so boring’

‘It must be so hard’

‘How can you ever visit other people because there will be nothing you can eat”

It’s fascinating right. They’ll be so shocked by what you’re doing and then be like, ’Oh my god, I don’t want to think this is possible for me because that will seriously destroy my life as I know it.’

So there’ll be lots of little digs to undermine your change plan. 

They will try to make you change back. 

THIS ESPECIALLY ALWAYS HAPPENS WITH SMART HUMANS WHO START LIVING LIFE THEIR WAY, INSTEAD OF THE WAY SOCIETY PREFERS

If you decide that you want to stop working the 40-hour workweek between 9 and 5 and just set things up in a way that works for your brain but that isn’t conventional, there is going to be pushback. So you want to be ready for it

Add to this another snake. The discomfort that your new identity creates (this can even be a physical feeling, as you get when you get new glasses and the whole world seems askew) - and you physically and mentally may experience a lot of pressure to change back into your old familiar, predictable identity.

Ok. So pushback. From systems, people and your own brain.

Got it. More snakes. We’re expecting them. 

We’re ready for them. 

What’s next? 

Another snake. Running out of willpower. 

If you’ve been relying on determination and willpower to achieve your change-goal you’re in for a rough ride. 

Willpower is great for a marathon or cramming for exams. 

Not so great for perennial or lasting change. 

You can’t expect yourself to willpower for years, year in year out, forever. 

You need much more than a push - you need a very strong PULL. 

You also need to be able to love where you’re at, at every point of your change journey. So don’t think you can will yourself to a goal. No, you have to really want it.

If you’re in a rush you may start to change at an unsustainable rate and maybe burn yourself out. So you really want to be comfortable where you’re at and then slowly start moving. 

Another snake is black and white thinking. 

Let’s say you wanted to create an extra 100K for your business year. 

You made 83K. 

And now your brain tells you your a complete failure and you might as well never have tried this whole thing. Just go back to wherever you came from and never pretend to be an entrepreneur ever again.

It’s stuck in binary mode, all-or-nothing thinking, which makes it very bitchy about all the progress you’ve made (it doesn’t really count, does it. If you said you were going to make a hundred and you only made 83, you might as well have made zero.). 

This is when the inner critic can rear its ugly head and the negative self-chatter starts. Luckily, there are some more podcast episodes to help you with this and I will leave those in the show notes!

Ok so, the snakes, all the obstacles you’re going to encounter on your way to lasting change, the things that set you WAY back on the board. 

Speaking of board - if you didn’t know it already: I’m a massive boardgame fan. So feel free to send me tips for my next boardgmae splurge. 

Where were we…right…snakes. 

So on the board we have the snakes those are the obstacles that set you back on your quest for lasting change - and then we have the ladders. 

These give you a real advantage so let’s look at those next. 

Knowing that achieving lasting change is hard, how can you set yourself up for success? How can you create circumstances that support change and allow you to move into your new identity?

Find new friends who don’t drink.

Or when you’re changing your whole being, change things in your house that resonate with your new identity (even consider moving your bed to a different room if that’s an option for a hard ‘reset’. There’s a reason that when people go to rehab it’s not usually done in their own home). 

Try to change things in your apartment. Have this visual reminder that things are different.

Redirect your brain from seeing everything that isn’t working yet, or that you aren’t doing perfectly, to what IS working.

To how far you’ve come. 

This is basically the principle expounded by Dan Sullivan and Benjamin Hardy in their book The Gap and The Gain: you need to focus on the GAIN instead of the gap to become a  super successful human. 

Their advice is every evening to write down three wins, and these can be anything, doesn’t have to be massive. It can be a small thing, but it’s just to show you that good things are happening. 

So focus on the gain vs the gap. That’s a ladder for sure. 

Then there’s practising being the changed person you want to become. 

Wow, that was a weird sentence. 

Practising being the changed person you want to become.

It’s weird, but it’s true. 

I wouldn’t say ‘fake it till you make it’ because that just sounds horrible to my autistic brain that hates being disingeneous. 

Also: your brain doesn’t know what’s fake vs real anyhow. So let’s drop that whole concept. 

Instead prefer to phrase it like this (not as pithy, granted, but definitely more inviting):

Allow yourself to EASE into the change by practising what it’s like ahead of time.  

What do you feel when you’ve changed? 

What do you do? 

What do you think? 

Where do you hang out?

With whom? 

Etc.

Just practice what it’s like ahead of time. To feel into it. To ease into it.

If you can’t envision this, or answer any of the above questions, then you have a belief problem and need to start there first. 

If you can, then you can practice doing all these things. 

Feeling the feelings, thinking the thoughts, doing the things, being with the people, etc. 

Play that movie and make it as real as you can. 

Trust me: this shit WORKS (it’s what pro athletes do too, so why not give it a try). 

So that’s ladder number 2: practising your new identity as often as you can. 

When you get up in the morning. 

When you wait for the train that’s 10 minutes late because there’s leaves on the tracks. 

When you queue in the supermarket. 

Practise whenever you can, without turning this into a manic exercise that will make you hate the whole process. 

So ladder number 1: write down your gains, number 2: practise your new identity. 

Here’s ladder number 3:

Love where you’re at.

I’ve hinted at that above, with the snakes. Hating yourself toward your goal doesn’t work.

Love your starting point: the money you’re making, the job you have, the weight you weigh, the friends you have - everything RIGHT NOW - decide to love it. 

Love your first step. 

And your second. 

And where the third one takes you. 

Love all the fucking squares on the fucking snakes and ladders board - because, why the hell not? 

If you’re in a hurry to get to another square because you hate this square, you’ll be devastated when you get pushed back. 

If you’re fine where you are, fine where you were, and looking forward to an even better future then setbacks are not that much of a deal. 

For more about loving yourself to your goal check out podcast Episodes XX and XX in the shownotes.

Ladder number 4 (and 5 and 6 etc)? 

Ask for help.

Organise support troops. 

Arrange for accountability. 

Get yourself a coach. 

I think the whole ladder thing is a perfect metaphor for what a coach does - they help you move across the board WAY faster. 

Doesn’t mean that there’s not going to be snakes. 

That’s life. The snakes are always included.

But coaches help you not get upset by the snake AND they give you extra ladders so you can progress way faster than you could have on your own. 

What’s not to like? 

So here’s your homework if you’ve had a hard time achieving lasting change in an area of your life. 

Grab a journal and a pen, and take your time to answer these questions:

1. What areas in my life do you want to change but are you afraid to try because of possible pushback?
2. Which of these are you going to tackle first, using the tools from this podcast?
3. If you’ve tried to change in this area in the past, what went well? 
4. What is your first step going to be?
5. And your second?
6. What is your support going to look like?

And, as always, if you’d like some stellar support for your smart mind check out my website for current one-on-one and group coaching options. 

Lasting change is possible for all of us - but it’s so much easier if we know about the snakes and ladders. 

Have a beautiful week, 

Else a.k.a. Coach Kramer

Ready to get some help in managing your smart mind AND your emotions? I can help. DM me on LinkedIn, Instagram or Facebook to learn how you can work with me, or email me via podcast@elsekramer.com. 

Thank you for listening to the Managing the Smart Mind Podcast, I love that at 

the time of recording this there are smart humans listening in 84 countries! I really appreciate you - do send me any questions or requests for topics you have. And if you enjoy the podcast I’d love for you to give it a five-star review so other smart humans can find it - thank you!