Episode 43 - How to change the way you feel about pretty much anything - A Mini-Course in Emotional Agility Part 4 - Solidified Stories
Welcome to this episode of the managing the smart mind podcast with Master Certified Coach Else Kramer, a.k.a. Coach Kramer.
This is part 4 of your free mini-course on Emotional Agility - and I’ll give you a quick recap and lay of the land.
In Part 1, we looked at the neuroscience of emotions. How they’re created - and how they shape both your experience and your future.
In Part 2, we focused on how you can create a healthy baseline for emotional wellbeing, and what you can do in the moment an emotion arises in your body.
In Part 3, we looked at how your thoughts influence your emotions - and how to change that.
In this fourth part we’re going to dig a bit deeper into the art of influencing your emotions by changing your thoughts and thought-patterns.
Remember, your thoughts influence your emotions - whether they’re conscious or not.
You have HEAPS of thoughts that are constantly colouring your experience (for more info on how this spills out in your entire life check out the Episode on Confirmation Bias).
And some of these have been imprinted in your brain so many times that they have become what I call solidified stories.
They seem so obvious and true to you that you won’t even consider questioning them.
You have solidified stories about the world, about money, about other people, about yourself.
And these solidified stories are a massive contributor to your emotions (remember: thoughts and beliefs in the database co-create your emotions in the moment as I explained in the first Episode).
So in this fourth part we’re going to look at how you can
- Identify them
- Unravel them
- Replace them
If, and when you want to.
How do you decide?
Well, you may have solidified stories that serve you really well.
I have a personal solidified story that I definitely want to keep, and it is that I will ALWAYS be able to make money, no matter what. I’ve been working and making money since I started babysitting at age 9 - I’ve had so many different jobs I’m not even going to try and list them here, but all this has contributed to a very strong belief that I can ALWAYS make money when I need to.
That is not a story I am going to change - it’s actually really helpful to have, especially as an entrepreneur.
So you want to focus on the solidified stories that actually block you, sabotage you, make you miserable.
I had one of those too - for a very long time.
I was (and still am) a book worm - and I grew up hating sports. Add puberty and an eating disorder, and I was overweight - and hating sports even more.
Add to that a sister who became a professional athlete…well…you get the picture.
I had a solidified story that sport was stupid, a waste of time, and not for people like me.
And it wasn’t until I discovered aikido when I was in my mid-twenties, that I realised that I actually LOVE TO WORK OUT. I love to move my body. What’s more, I need it to regulate.
As my brain and body fell in love with aikido, my beliefs about sport started to shift.
Slowly but surely I started have thoughts like ‘working out is fun’ and ‘I have the perfect body for this’.
My solidified story about sport was slowly dissolved and replaced by the story that I actually LOVE to train - and that I have the perfect body for the sports I like.
And you can do the same with YOUR solidified stories.
A story about something that happened to you in the past.
A story about your in-laws.
A story about your capacity to make money.
You do NOT need to keep subscribing to these (and strengthening the neural pathways that support them).
You can break free from them and rewrite them into stories that serve you much better.
But wait - isn’t that lying to yourself?
I mean, are you just supposed to belief something more fun, without any evidence?
Without anything actually CHANGING in the real world?
Well….yes - and no.
Your current story is already a kind of delusion.
So if you’re going to be lying to yourself anyway, why not do it in a way that builds you up rather than breaks you down?
And again, no, we’re not arguing with the laws of gravity here.
But we are arguing with things that are very much open to interpretation.
That aren’t fixed, or black and white.
And making intentional choices about what to believe in those situations.
Here are some examples of those stories:
“He’s such a jerk.”
“I suck at making money.”
“I’ll never have a job I like.”
“I’m surrounded by idiots.”
“There’s never enough time.”
You may believe that your ex is complete jerk - but does the WHOLE WORLD agree on that?
Probably not.
It’s just a solidified story.
Maybe you like the story.
But if you don’t, you may want to stop feeding into it.
Stop seeing everything your ex does as proof that he’s an absolute dick.
Does even this thought make you furious?
Then you DEFINITELY want to rewrite your story.
And this is where I want to mention something very important.
Changing the way we think about other people does NOT absolve them from misdeeds.
We don’t do it for them.
We do it for us.
They’re living rent-free in hour head and taking up precious space and energy.
So it’s time that they leave.
Think about it.
Who do you have in your current life, or in your past, that is taking up headspace?
Are you enjoying that?
If not, then it’s time to get them out.
And one of the best ways to do this, to rewrite your story about them, is using Byron Katie’s ‘Judge Your Neighbour’ worksheet - I’ll put a link to that in the show notes.
Basically, you want to write down all the thoughts you have about this person and start challenging them.
- Are they true?
- Are they REALLY true?
- When you believe them, how do you feel?
- How do you treat yourself, others, the person involved?
Is that what you want?
If not - can you see how this is not the truth of who they are?
Can you let go of your solidified story?
Now, this can be intense work - and if you find it challenging you want to seek out a coach or therapist to help you.
But it is one of the best ways to manage your emotions: you will feel so much more energised and clear after weeding out the stories that no longer serve you.
OK, so that’s other people.
Now what about you?
What do you believe about YOU that isn’t particularly helpful?
Make a list.
Here are some that were on my list before I discovered that these stories are optional:
- I’ll never amount to anything
- I’m lazy and undisciplined
- Nobody genuinely likes me
- I never feel I belong
- I can’t stick to anything and see it through to the end
- I’m incredibly impatient
- I’m bad with money
- I’m a bad mum
Definitely NOT fun to walk around with all these stories in your head!
So I want you to carve out some time and sit down and do this exercise.
Pick one area of your life to not make it too overwhelming.
It could be a story about a specific person.
It could be about your character or body.
It could be your stories about money.
Pick ONE thing to focus on, and then write down ALL the thoughts that make up your solidified story about this.
Usually when you start doing this, you will already feel a shift.
You’ll look at the thoughts on the page and see how ridiculous, or over the top drama queen some of them are.
Those you don’t even need to work with.
Pick the one that triggers you most - and use the above questions (or Byron Katie’s worksheet) to question it.
And find the most amazing freedom on the other side.
Yes - you CAN change the way you feel about almost anything.
Find the thoughts.
Question them.
See how they fall away.
Now when they’re gone, you may just want to sit in that empty space for a while.
The space of no-story.
It’s quite beautiful there.
But because we humans human, because of the way our brains work we do have a tendency to shift out of no-story back to story pretty quickly.
So after the story has fallen away, you want to replace it with one that serves you better.
This is where you get to be creative.
Feel into it - what is a story that you CAN subscribe to and doesn’t make you feel like crap?
About your ex, maybe that they’re trying their best within their capabilities.
About your money: maybe if you come from ‘I am crap at making money’, then ‘I am stellar at making money’ is a bit of a stretch.
And you can use ‘I am getting better at making money.’ instead.
It’s a bit like play-dough - you use the words like clay, and check in with yourself to see how they feel.
Absolutely no idea whether you have solidified stories, and, if so, what they could be?
Then you can use your emotions as solidified-story-detectors.
Feel furious every time you see that colleague?
There’s probably a story there.
Get sick to your stomach when thinking about reaching out to someone on LinkedIn?
Find the story.
Seriously - this is a lot of the work we coaches do.
We’re solidified story finders.
You may think that coaches are supposed to motivate people, help them excel, etc. etc.
Sure.
But most smart humans I know are VERY capable and motivated.
Capability or motivation isn’t the problem.
It’s all the invisible ways in which they sabotage themselves.
It’s all the solidified stories.
So…give this a try.
Find at least one story this week - and see if you can clear it up.
And if you want to get serious about weeding out those solidified stories and blowing your own mind with what is possible for you, get in touch.
Go to coachkramer.org/work-with-me to learn how I can help you rewrite your stories - and rewrite your life.
Have a beautiful week!
Else a.k.a. Coach Kramer
Ready to get some help in managing your smart mind AND your emotions? I can help. DM me on LinkedIn, Instagram or Facebook to learn how you can work with me, or email me via podcast@elsekramer.com.
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