Episode 42 - How to change the way you feel about pretty much anything - A Mini-Course in Emotional Agility Part 3
Welcome to this episode of the managing the smart mind podcast with Master Certified Coach Else Kramer, a.k.a. Coach Kramer.
We’re in part 3 of the mini-course on Emotional Agility - and I’ll give you a quick recap and lay of the land.
In Part 1, we looked at the neuroscience of emotions. How they’re created - and how they shape both your experience and your future.
In Part 2, we focused on how you can create a healthy baseline for emotional wellbeing, and what you can do in the moment an emotion arises in your body.
In this third part we’re going to look at one component of all the ingredients that create emotions: your thoughts.
Remember, your emotions are created by your brain from a mix of sensory input, interoception, your internal database of memories, beliefs, etc. and thoughts.
So if you want to change the way you feel, one approach is to change the way you THINK.
If you picture your emotion-creator as one of those equalisers with four slides: sensory input, interoception, memory databse and thoughts, than the last one is the slide we’re going to play with today.
Again, this only works if the prefrontal cortex is in action, as I explained in the previous episode (which, by the way, you should definitely listen to first).
Now if you doubt whether your thoughts can influence your emotions I want you to try something.
Think about a place you really don’t like going to.
Maybe it’s the garbage disposal down in your apartment block.
Maybe it’s your dusty attic with heaps of boxes you’d prefer to never look at again.
Or perhaps it’s a cellar with lots of creepy crawlers you’re not particularly into.
Think about that place, and notice how you feel.
It’s probably a mixture of several emotions: apprehension, fear, resistance, disgust, etc.
Got it?
Ok.
Now I want you to imagine that in that place there is a metal box with something insanely valuable to you (Krugerrands, jewels, a winning lottery ticket, your lost wedding band - whatever you like).
Think about that place again, and notice how your emotion has changed.
You may still be a little anxious - but you probably can’t wait to go there and get that box, right?
We have just used a thought (or, more correctly in this case, a visualisation), to help you change your emotions about something.
Pretty cool ha!
And you can do this with pretty much all the emotions you experience that you think don’t serve you.
Now before you run off to experiment with this on ALL your thoughts, wait a second.
You have over 60.000 thoughts a day, so you want to be a bit deliberate about this.
I’d pick the ones that cost you the most.
The ‘expensive’ emotions in your life - the ones that are robbing you of your headspace, time and energy.
For a lot of my clients that is anger or frustration at something or someone.
So let’s walk through what changing your emotions around something like that looks like.
Think about the person, situation or event you’re angry or frustrated about.
Got it?
OK.
Now tell me why it makes you angry.
Really think about it.
Don’t just say ‘because it’s stupid/mad/evil/inane’.
So what?
Here’s an example to help: I have experienced some pretty bad customer service from a company I’ve been buying dresses from for over 10 years. And I mean, diastrously bad.
I’m a very loyal customer (this is probably an autism thing - once I’ve found company I love and trust I never want to let go), but they messed up so bad that I will probably never buy from them again.
So I was mad. Pretty mad.
Why?
Because I thought they shouldn’t have treated me the way they did.
That’s it.
That’s the thought that is creating the anger.
It isn’t the actual thing they did. I could frame that in a gazillion different ways.
As in: poor them, they grew too fast and have staffing problems, I totally get that they messed up (I also had that thought, and it actually created compassion).
But I also had the thought they should have treated me better.
And that’s how I am creating my own anger - especially since every time I got another promo email from them I reminded myself of what happened, and got mad all over again.
Luckily for me, I get fed up with this pattern eventually.
So much so, that I’m ready to look at the thought that’s making me mad.
‘They shouldn’t have treated me the way they did’.
My brain can find a thousand reasons why this is true.
But is it really?
Think about it.
Am I the master of the universe? Can I dictate how other people treat me?
Not at all.
I can make sure there are consequences, but I cannot change how they treated me - especially after the fact.
This thought, which I’m really clinging to, actually isn’t true.
And once I see that, REALLY see it, I’m ready to let go of the thought that’s costing me all this energy.
Now if you’ve never done this work before it’s important to know that there’s an art to it.
The idea isn’t simply to replace the thought that makes you angry (or sad or whatever) with a better feeling thought.
Your brain is WAY too smart for that to work.
Rather, it’s to show your brain
- What it is costing you to hold on to this thought;
- That it is actually optional.
If you’d like to dive into this more in-depth I really recommend either working with a coach (hello!) or diving into Byron’s Katie work - www.thework.org. She has an incredibly powerful and simple method to teach people this approach to thought work.
Ok, so back to my dress store example.
I’ve shown my brain that the thought is optional - and that it is costing me so much more than the initial frustration created by a messed-up order.
So once I see that, my brain kind of softens up and is more ready to let go.
But there’s one last step: right now it’s still clinging to that thought as if it is its favourite cuddly toy.
And your brain will too, when you do this work.
So you want to give it something else to hold on to.
This is where you want to find a new perspective, a new way of thinking about this thing.
A reframe that doesn’t trigger or upset you.
It doesn’t necessarily mean that you flip it to the opposite (although that can be fun, and Byron Katie uses that as a very useful exercise).
It means modifying it in a way that your brain can really BELIEVE it, that you’re not lying to yourself - and it still shifts your emotion.
So for me, in this case, it probably won’t be:
“The way they treated me is perfectly fine”
But more something like:
“Well, that sucked,”
Seriously. That’s enough. Just admitting that it sucked - and then letting it go.
Moving on.
Now, there are some more important things you need to know about using thought work to change your emotions.
DO NOT USE THIS TECHNIQUE TO GASLIGHT YOURSELF INTO LIKING SHITTY THINGS, PEOPLE, SITUATIONS, TEACHERS, MENTORS, ETC.
If it’s sketchy you WANT it to make you feel bad so you can get the hell out.
Also: DO NOT USE THIS TO TECHNIQUE INSTEAD OF SETTING BOUNDARIES
It’s similar to the previous caveat, but slightly different.
If you don’t like a situation you’re in, let’s say your cousin has been living on your couch for a month and you want them to move out, but you’re afraid to tell them, do not try to change the way you feel about them being on your couch.
Because that isn’t being in integrity with who you are.
Instead, ask yourself why asking them to get their own space freaks you out so much. THAT’s the thought you want to look at.
In the next Episode I’ll give you lots more examples of how to do this work, and how powerful it can be, but for now I want you to remember this:
You can change the way you THINK about people, place, events, to change the way you FEEL about them.
So start playing with that.
Find an unsettling emotion around someone or something that isn’t serving you.
And get curious.
What is the thought underneath all of them?
Why do you feel that way about that person, place, event or thing?
Once you’ve found it, get even more curious (channel Sherlock Holmes or Poirot if you need to).
Is that thought really true?
And what is it costing you to hang on to it?
Oh and don’t start with you arch-enemy: leave Moriarty for later, practice first on that mildly annoying co-worker or neighbour.
Try, practice, play - and let me know if you have any questions.
Have a beautiful week,
Else a.k.a. Coach Kramer
Ready to get some help in managing your smart mind AND your emotions? I can help. DM me on LinkedIn, Instagram or Facebook to learn how you can work with me, or email me via podcast@elsekramer.com.
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