Episode 61 - From 'Compare & Despair' to 'Compare & Care'
Welcome to this episode of the managing the smart mind podcast with Master Certified Coach Else Kramer, a.k.a. Coach Kramer.
Hello wonderfully smart human,
Today let’s dive into something that instantly kills off any contentment or confidence we feel about ourselves, our bodies, our life, our work:
Compare & Despair.
You feel great about your job and career - until your colleague gets promoted to a role you thought you would be getting.
You feel pretty darn sexy in your new bathing suit - until you see a 25yr old model.
You love your house - until your sister (or cousin, or old schoolmate or whoever) gets one that you think is WAY better.
All of a sudden you shrink - and nothing feels good enough anymore.
This, my smart friends, is compare & despair in action.
Now all humans do this: our brains are constantly comparing and seeking patterns and checking whether we fit in, live up to our tribes standards, etc.
Because it works on the assumption that if we do no, we will DIE.
So the scanning of how we’re different from what’s happening all around us? That’s going to happen.
And it doesn’t need to be a problem.
It’s just data.
It’s when we use the data as a stick to beat ourselves with that we start shrinking, and shrinking ourselves and our lives and achievements even more.
And of course it doesn’t help to be neurodivergent - because when you compare yourself to the average person, you ARE very different. And, according to some popular opinion, either faulty, or broken, or just plain weird and not well-adapted.
Basically what happens is your brain decides that there is an alternative universe, in which you are not the person you actually are, but someone with the perfect brain, body, house, skills, ALL THE THINGS.
And that something must be very wrong because you are not in this alternate, perfect universe being your perfect self with perfect friends and all the perfect things.
So funny.
And also not funny - because this is a way in which so many people keep hurting themselves.
So let’s dig into it a little deeper.
The way I see it there are three variations on the Compare & Despair game.
You compare and feel either
- Angry or frustrated
- Envious or jealous
- Disappointed, defeated, or incompetent
That’s kind of the three flavours you can get in this game.
All because your brain tells you there’s a perfect version of you in a perfect Universe out there and you are not living up to it.
And if you often experience some of these feelings, I want to invite you to see if some form of compare & despair is at play.
Basically, it’s you arguing with reality.
Now dont’ get me wrong.
I love arguing with reality.
There is so much wrong with the world that I think we need to fix!
I am never going to let someone take that away from me.
But I don’t want to keep arguing with reality in a way that actually hurts ME, if that makes sense.
That makes ME wrong for who I am. Or that makes me so mad or sad that I can’t take constructive action anymore.
So let’s look at a model of what’s happening here.
We have
W - the way things are
We have our thought that THIS SHOULD NOT BE THE CASE (whether it’s our wealth, body, worlth, etc.).
And we take ourselves to a very unpleasant place where we feel frustrated, angry, disappointed, sad, jealous, etc.
Because we think: ‘THIS SHOULD BE DIFFERENT’.
Or ‘I SHOULD BE DIFFERENT’.
It shows up a lot with people who build their first business, interestingly. Their biggest battle isn’t usually with building the actual business (that is hard but doable). It’s the constant compare and despair with where they should be in their journey.
Maybe for you it shows up in wishing that you were more ‘normal’. If only I were more normal XYZ would be so much easier.
Again - you get a straight ticket into compare & despair hell.
So how do you get out of it the compare & despair trap?
First, feel into the feeling you’re noticing when you have an argument with reality.
Vent, if you need to.
Attend to it.
What in you is triggered that wants to be felt, expressed, voiced?
Do that.
And then, after you’ve done that, simply ask:
What do I need to resource myself around this?
So here’s an example of what that could look like.
I recently joined a MM where I’m in a group with business owners making millions.
I’m not there yet.
So my brain compared - and despaired. It had a nice little freakout, telling me I obviously didn’t belong, didn’t have a clue what I was doing, etc.
Now I could have bought into that narrative and started doubting myself. Second-guessing my achievements, skills, knowledge.
Shying away from showing up to calls or raising my hand.
But instead, I just felt into it.
And that’s when I realised that all it was was fear of being shamed.
My brain was trying to protect me from being ‘ousted’ or ‘ridiculed’ by preventing me from even wanting to take part in the group.
Ok. Good to know.
Now I can simply attend to myself and ask what I need.
What the REAL me needs - not the perfectionist fantasy me.
And maybe it’s as simple as me telling myself: hey, you’re just scared. And it’s OK. You ARE safe.
Maybe it involves some somatic work, or play with my subconscious.
Or a perspective shift: viewing all the drama through the lens of three years from now, and making it small, insignificant and not charged in any way.
And by that stage the whole comparison has become completely meaningless.
Where other people are at has NOTHING to do with me.
It’s none of my business.
So whenever you catch yourself going into compare & despair, this is what I want you to do:
- Feel into it, what emotions are you noticing?
- Do a little venting, expressing or whatever else feels appropriate
- Ask: What do I need to be better resourced around this?
And then create those resources.
And if you’re wondering how to catch yourself when you start to compare, here are two VERY BIG HINTS:
- Using the word ‘should’ (I have en entire podcast about this called ‘The one word you should eliminate from your vocabulary)
- Using the phrase ‘if only…’
Here are some examples:
If only I didn’t have ADHD
I should be better organised
If only I worked out more
I should be making more money
You get the picture, right?
These take you straight into the land of compare and despair.
Which is not a problem - because now you know how to get out again.
So move from ‘Compare & Despair’ to ‘Compare & Care’ - the feelings you get when disagreeing with reality are just data.
Use those data to resource yourself rather than beat yourself up - and the world will 100% be a better place.
Have a fun-filled week,
/”<>l
Else a.k.a. Coach Kramer
Want to fall back in love with your life and work? Then I can help. DM me on LinkedIn, or Instagram to learn how you can work with me, or email me via podcast@elsekramer.com.
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