Episode 36 - Chameleon Complex
Welcome to this episode of the managing the smart mind podcast with Master Certified Coach Else Kramer, a.k.a. Coach Kramer.
If you’ve listened to the previous podcast on over-optimising you know that I’ve been preparing for a road trip to Northern Italy.
By the time this podcast is released, I’m on my way home from a tour of the best art, wine and food Northern Italy has to offer. So good.
So the topic we’re tackling today, Chameleon Complex, is something which also comes up during my foreign trips - albeit in a very non-problematic way.
Whenever I travel to a different country, or even region, I love to try and blend in - speak at least a bit of the local language in a way that they can’t tell from my accent that I’m Dutch, not stand out as a tourist, eat at restaurants favoured by locals, all the things.
I try to blend in like a chameleon (which, admittedly, is a bit unrealistic if you have very blond hair and you’re not in a Northern Country, but still) - and for me, that is part of the fun.
When in Rome…etc.
There’s absolutely nothing wrong with this - for me trying on a different language, culture, and cuisine is part of the joy of travel.
Because smart humans are extremely good at pattern recognition they are usually able to pick up on what it takes to fit in with a certain culture, group, or relationship very quickly.
It’s a very useful skill - a bit like the Matrix without the downloads.
It can also be a valuable coping mechanism when you’re growing up in an environment that may not necessarily be friendly towards outsiders.
But when you take this superpower too far it can turn into a complex - which I naturally have dubbed the Chameleon Complex - and that’s what we’re looking at today.
What is it?
If your smart mind habitually helps you blend in in ANY situation then you’re at risk of losing yourself.
To use the chameleon metaphor: you’re changing colour so many times that you lose a sense of what your true colours are.
So the problem isn’t so much in knowing what to do to blend in, to fit in with a group, to be liked, approved of, or respected by other people.
It is in actually DOING so without any boundaries that you start losing your sense of self.
Here is an example of how this can show up.
You make a new group of friends at University who all love to play boardgames. You like hanging out with them - they’re smart and fun. And in no time, thanks to the internet, you’ve become a boardgame expert and are able to join in most conversations. You get invited to more and more board game evenings and marathons. And then it starts to creep up on you: much as you like your friends, you don’t really enjoy spending this much time on board games.
You start to dread invitations for games nights and weekends because you don’t want to disappoint them by saying no. And you may even feel a bit like a fraud - because you’re not being honest about your board game feelings.
The same can happen around any interest, activism, etc.
You decide to become a member of a ‘club’, and you go all-in, only to realise later that maybe you’re not as much into this as you thought in the first place.
If you have an ADHD brain this will probably sound very familiar, but it also happens to smart non-ADHD brains quite often.
If this shows up in your personal relationships, it probably does at work too.
You quickly figure out the rules of the game - and start playing them with great success.
But you don’t stop to ask yourself how YOU want to show up. What YOU enjoy. And what boundaries YOU want to set.
Why is it a problem?
This sponge-like absorbing new cultures, interests, etc. can lead you to lose a connection with your true self.
There simply isn’t room for it in your fitting-in schools; it doesn’t enter the equation.
This results in not realising what you do and don’t like; not pursuing your own desires and not setting proper boundaries.
If you keep this up for years, you will start to feel like a bit of a hollow shell.
As if life has lost its meaning.
You’ve lost the connection with your authentic self - and that, in the long run, always is a problem.
How do you know you have it?
Now you may be wondering how you know when your supreme skills of pattern recognition and fitting in become a problem - when your chameleonism turns into a complex.
Here are some signs:
- you feel you can’t be honest about what you do and don’t like with the people you hang out with;
- when someone asks you what YOU’d like to do/eat/etc. you have a very hard time coming up with an answer;
- you feel disconnected from both yourself AND others;
- you have a hard time setting boundaries, saying ‘no’ to requests and invitations, etc.
- you regularly wonder what the point is of it all, if this is ‘all there is’.
Ask yourself: how many of the things I do, do I do because I REALLY want to do them?
If the answer is ‘not a lot’ then you may be overdoing the chameleonism.
OK, so what can you do about it?
As always, the first step is awareness.
Notice when you click into your chameleon behaviour. When, rather than noticing people’s preferences and habits and then consciously deciding how to be around them, you automatically adjust to what you think they want to see.
Once you’re aware, start getting curious.
Do you have a good reason for doing this?
If it’s just an old habit - then you can simply decide to cut down on it.
If there is a rationale behind it, for example, because it’s a way to create safety to be in the world, then dive into that.
If it is safety you’re trying to create, what other avenues can you explore to feel safe?
If it’s approval you’re after, in what ways can you start approving of yourself without needing to revert to other people?
And if you’re disconnected from your own wants and needs - what steps can you take to reconnect?
Don’t fall into the trap of black and white thinking - you don’t need to radically STOP adjusting and adapting and become an aggressive boundary-setter.
Take small steps.
When someone makes a request, for example, drop into your body. Feel into it - and notice if it feels good, bad or neutral. And then respond accordingly.
The more you do this the more you will reconnect with your true identity. And from there you can, of course, decide to change colours whenever it seems fun.
When you feel like playing Jason Bourne for example.
As always: embrace your gifts and use them for you, rather than against you.
Wishing you an amazing week with lots of your own true colours,
Else a.k.a. Coach Kramer
Want to learn how to create a life that is fun AND fulfilling? I can help you. DM me on LinkedIn, Instagram or Facebook to learn how you can work with me, or email me via podcast@elsekramer.com.
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