Episode 3 - People Pleasing

In this episode I look at something that undermines your self-confidence on a daily-basis: people pleasing.

I give examples of how and where it can show up, and how you stop doing it.

No, it's not easy - but trust me: living your life out of integrity is much, much harder in the long run.

You can find download a transcript of this episode on my website: https://www.coachkramer.org/podcast

And you can find Jane Gunn's article on the extra pound on the restaurant bill here.

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Transcript

Else Kramer (00:00:15) - Welcome to the Managing the Smart Mind podcast with your host, Coach Kramer. This is episode three. People Pleasing. Now, today I'm going to talk about something all humans do. Not just the specifically smart ones, although they're very good at it. And that's people pleasing. And it all kind of ties back to the primitive programming I talked about on an earlier podcast. Our brain thinks we are going to die if we get cast out of the tribe. If we rock the boat. If we speak up. If we say no. Now, if you believe that saying no is going to kill you, then people pleasing is a pretty smart strategy. And if you stood out a lot growing up, like a lot of smart people, it was probably what kept you relatively safe. It could have been an amazing coping strategy. But unchecked people pleasing actually hollows the core of who you really are and eventually leads to burnout and even depression. So no. We don't want to keep people pleasing as we grow up and become adults.

Else Kramer (00:01:40) - But what does people pleasing actually look like? Well, here are a couple of examples, and I'm sure you can find plenty on your own from your own life experience. But here are some of mine. Someone jumps the grocery queue to get in front of you and they say, You don't mind, do you? And you do, but you just smile politely, maybe whilst seething on the inside. A colleague or manager asks you to take on an extra project. You're so smart. You do this in half the time anyway, and you know you already have more than a full workload, but you still say yes. Or maybe, like me, you're incredibly unproductive. After 3 p.m., you'd much rather stop working around that time and start again after seven, and you're confident you can get your work done. But you decide that even asking for this will make you seem weird or entitled or both. So you keep forcing yourself to at least seem productive in the afternoon. Or maybe an assistant or a contractor is late on delivering a project.

Else Kramer (00:02:50) - But instead of speaking up, you just let it slide. Even though you don't like it. Or maybe the school asks you to organize their annual charity do or part of it. You have neither the time nor the inclination or maybe in my case, the social skills. But you feel like you cannot say no. So you say yes. Or maybe you're speaking at an event and the organizers have invited you to, a, prevent dinner with sponsors, local dignitaries. ET cetera. You know that you do not have the bandwidth for this, that if you want to deliver an amazing keynote, you need to spend the evening alone in your hotel room. But you're afraid to upset people, so you join anyway. Or how about this? A restaurant has added an extra pound to the bill for charity. Their charity? You don't like it, but you're afraid to make a fuss. And this is actually not my example. It comes from my amazing friend and colleague, Jane Gunn. I'll leave a link to her LinkedIn article about this in the show notes.

Else Kramer (00:04:05) - And here's a different example. This is not about requests, but about speaking up. Let's say someone makes a very inappropriate remark to you or someone else in your presence. And you don't speak up. You're afraid to rock the boat. You decide to let it slide. Or maybe you want to apply for a promotion, but your manager has told you that? No. You are indispensable. They cannot do without you. If you leave now, everything will fall to pieces. So you decide to stay for another six months. And another. And another. Until you have a very long, gray beard. It's time for retirement. All right. Seriously, what all of these have in common is that you're out of integrity with your deeper self. And because of that, these interactions tend to leave you with a kind of hollow, disappointed feeling despite the praise or appreciation you may get from others. You're actually showing yourself that you do not have your own back. That you don't stand up for yourself and your needs.

Else Kramer (00:05:16) - And this, in turn, constantly undermines your confidence. Not in one go, but day by day. All that people-pleasing actually adds up. It can even lead you to believe that you don't know what you really want. More about that in a later episode. But for now, trust me, you do. Now, some of my clients don't even realize they're people-pleasing and it may be the same for you. So how do you know? Because sometimes you do want to strategically say yes to a request to do things you may not particularly want to do. Like in my case, my taxes. So how do you separate the two? It's actually the way you feel. Yeah. It's not about decision trees. It's about how you feel about your decision. When I say yes to something I don't particularly feel like doing, but I know. And I like my reason for saying yes. I actually feel solid. I probably won't feel elated, joyful, excited. I may feel stressed or anxious, but I feel solid in myself and my decision.

Else Kramer (00:06:34) - Now, if instead I'm people-pleasing, I may feel quick hit relief because someone likes and appreciates me. That's lovely and wonderful. But after that, usually a sense of disappointment washes over me. I may actually also feel resentment towards the person making the request and blame them for the way I feel. And in addition to that, I will probably create lots of drama in my mind about how hard it's going to be, how I don't have the time, the energy, but I'll just have to make it work. It's a massive energy drain. Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that it feels good to say no when people make requests or to speak up instead of staying silent. It can be terrifying. I really have a very elevated heart rate, massive desire to run away and hide, to be somewhere else. Anywhere. Instead of saying no to a person. But I also know that's just the primitive programming and I know the massive cost of people pleasing. So I am willing to feel that discomfort.

Else Kramer (00:07:43) - It's a price I'm willing to pay for being in integrity with myself and strengthening my self-confidence. So if you're a people pleaser. Here is how you stop. And remember, there is probably a lifetime of conditioning going on here, so go easy on yourself. Rome wasn't built in a day. First of all, I want you to start noticing all the requests and expectations you're unconsciously complying with. Whether it's calling your mum, doing overtime at work, picking up groceries for a needy neighbour, Do you actually want to do this or are you just people-pleasing? Once you have your awareness, start deciding. It is actually a yes or is it a no? Do I want this? Do I want to do this? And do I like my reasons? Now the next step is the hardest. It is to communicate your new decision. And don't forget the fourth. You have to actually stick with it. Don't let yourself be dissuaded, guilted, manipulated into doing something you don't want to do. Now, communicating a loving know can be hard, but it can be loving, right? It doesn't need to be.

Else Kramer (00:09:04) - No. And how dare you ask? It can be. I love you and no. Or thank you for asking and no. Or I really respect you and no. And. It can be incredibly uncomfortable, not just in your mind. You can actually have an intense physical freakout. Sounds fun, right? But this discomfort is exactly what you need to feel to stay in integrity with yourself. So rather than avoiding the discomfort, the physical freak out actually expect it. Welcome it in. Can even notice and name it. Right? Oh, my heart. Is beating really fast. I feel uncomfortable. That creates a nice kind of distance to keep you from actually physically running away. You will not die. It will just feel awful. It's just a feeling. And doing this is actually the gateway to freedom and total self-trust. And it may seem like a hard sell, right? I'm here saying to you, Oh. I want you to this thing. It's going to be awful. But it's totally worth the price you pay because basically it frees up so much time and energy and it makes sure that when you do things, you actually want to do them and you don't have all this energy, resentment, all the things.

Else Kramer (00:10:36) - It's the best thing ever. So if that is something you'd like to work on with an experienced coach, I can help. You can reach out to me via my website, Coach Kramer, or send me a message on LinkedIn. And if there's a specific topic you'd love to see covered on the podcast or someone you'd love to see interviewed, please let me know on podcast at Elsa kramer.com. And if you liked this episode, I love for you to leave a review so more people can find it and learn to manage their smart minds. See you in the next episode. Bye bye. Hey, smart human. You're probably listening to this podcast because you want to learn how to manage that smart mind of yours. And the first step is actually getting your bearings, doing a little brain audit. And I have the perfect tool for that. The Mapping your unique Brain workbook and you can actually download it for free at www dot coach kramer.org/brain map so that's coach kramer.org/brain map. Go check it out and play with it and take your first step to managing your smart mind.